Growing up in a military family where we moved every few years made making friends hard. It wasn't that people didn't try to be nice to me, I just didn't try back. Its work to keep friends and to make those connections, especially before the internet really took off and so my little 6, 7, and 8 year old brain just figured what the hell, why should I bother with all of this noise?
So antisocial behaviors and depression were pretty common for me back then. Along with lots of therapy. Therapy when my parents divorced, therapy each time we moved and I was having a hard time adjusting, therapy when my teachers told my parent that I wasn't trying to fit in. I liked therapy though because they listened to me for the most part. I didn't realize back then that I had no way of making the conversations just between us because I was too young for that.
To make this simple I didn't make friends easily back then and I still don't. Friends are something I like having and I have a few of them that I'm very close to and a larger circle that I really like and that know what I'm going through with my mom and things like that. Its hard for me to cut people out of those circles because it takes a lot for me to put them in to begin with.
The high school me was the girl that read at lunch and skipped class to keep reading and didn't talk to anyone because all of my friends had abandoned me in sophomore year when I told them I was thinking about going all the way with a guy I was dating. Yeah. Fun times. That was one of the first big friendship betrayals of my little life.
My best friend for the longest time was a guy I'd met online and yes I eventually loved him and for a while we lived together but living on different continents kind of killed the romance. Sometimes I wish we'd stayed friends but then I remember that he kind of destroyed that on his own. And I cut him out of my life and told him to never speak to me again and he hasn't.
That seems to be a theme with me though. When I feel seriously betrayed I shut down and there are walls and there's no discussion or anything. Its me telling someone never to talk to me again and they don't. But sometimes I wonder if that's too hasty. There are some reasons to cut people out for good. Because they continually hurt you is a big one that is an absolute valid reason.
I wonder if my reasons for cutting this friend out were valid. I shut her out and killed it all and sometimes I think I made a mistake. Other times I don't but there's this doubt. But then I go back to the idea that if our friendship had been worth fighting for, if I'd been worth fighting for to her, that she'd have ignored my email to never speak to me again and tried to talk to me about it. Maybe then I would have forgiven her. Maybe then I wouldn't have ended an eight year friendship so quickly.
I just found the email where I told her our friendship was over. 12/15/12. A few weeks before my birthday.
Is it desperation or fear that ties her memory to me? Certainly people lose friends all the time. That's nothing new. She was easy enough to forget about then, while I was angry.
But that's the thing. I'm not angry with her anymore. I feel sad for her and I pity her and her choices that led up to my decision. I forgive her for what she did and I wonder if any hint of our friendship can be found again.
And then I remember that there were reasons I chose to cut her out of my life and I made the right choice, the healthier one, for myself and its okay to walk away and stop thinking about her and wondering if she's okay without me there to save her all the time.