I'm not someone that has a lot of friends. I like to think that I'm a friendly person but I know that I have trust issues so actually bringing people in to the point that they know more about my secret self is nearly impossible. It rarely happens. I've never had more than five close friends and that's how I've always liked it. That's how I feel safe and how I deal with a world that is often painful.
Another compounding factor is growing up in the military back before text messaging and instant messaging people around the world was a wide spread possibility. I didn't see the point in getting close to people when I wouldn't be seeing them in two years. By the time I was out of elementary school (around 10 years old for those of you not from the US) I'd been in multiple schools. It didn't bother me because that's how I grew up but it did little for my social life or attachment to other people my own age.
So I became blunt because, after all, if people didn't like what I had to say I'd be moving away in a few years anyway. Each new school, each new state, was a chance to be a whole new me. And so that's what I did. I tried out new things with the realization that if I failed at them the humiliation couldn't last that long. And that worked for me for a while.
But now, as an adult, I struggle sometimes with friendships and closeness with other people. I feel attachments and love for the people I care about but since I bring them in and it becomes a big deal to me I hurt more than I see other people doing when those friendships go away. I have also held onto romantic relationships longer than was healthy in the past.
I don't know where I'm going with all this, just that I've been thinking about it a lot today which includes last night since I really didn't sleep much. Try three hours. Its a wonder the words are coming at all right now.
Sometimes I lack a filter and sometimes I'm crass. I forget how easily friendships can end because now that I'm an adult I think I work hard not to let that happen. But maybe not hard enough. I hurt someone and I'm sorry. Maybe someday it'll be just another learning experience which I'm getting so tired of having but for right now its hurt and its pain and its me wondering what the next step is, if there even is one.
Its me drinking hot chocolate and trying to write a happy scene because Liam and Travis aren't a sad couple but also trying to find the will to be patient and not bother this person because I said I wouldn't. Its not even so much about why we fought. Its more that I didn't think it would go to this. That I didn't think losing them would be so easy.
Bottom line is that I'm sorry and should not have come at that person with what I did the way I did it. We all make mistakes, some just cost more than others. Whether they read this or not doesn't really matter now but that doesn't change how I feel or what was done.